Since I currently have no friends that would listen/talk to me, and I haven't really hung out with any friends in over seven months, this is my last resort. I used to keep a journal, but I've had it since I was 12 and it ran out of pages. I can't really take this stress anymore. I just turned 21 five days ago. I go to school full time, but this is the first time I'm actually going. Since I graduated high school I just applied to school, went to one class, and then never went back. I have to be the worst at stress management. I have no job. I have no life plan. No career. No money. My health is terrible. Horrible. I weigh more than anyone should weigh. I feel disgusting. I feel...gross. I have no social life. I had a handful of friends. Some graduated high school last year and moved to other states for college. Some live in the same town as me and I pulled myself away from them over the past few years. Others screwed me over and I completely shut them out of my lives. Others, I just don't see, talk to, hang out with, etc. I hung out with one of my friends about two months ago, and it was fun but we just drove around all night and talked and my other best friend and another friend and we watched a soccer game of a friend of ours. But I haven't been over anyone's house or went out to eat with friends or just...just lived. I am at a really low point right now. I've hit this low so many times, but now it feels even stronger. I have no one to talk to. This one person I live with stresses me out daily. I can't interact with her, yet I have NO choice but to live with her because I have nowhere to go. I feel like an adult child. I've made nothing of myself. I'm a loser. I'm nothing. Useless, worthless. I feel so depressed and stressed out I can't even word it. I talk to a 17 (just turned 17 like two weeks ago) year old kid daily that I met on this website and he's literally my only friend right now. How disgusting is that? I feel bad for even talking to someone who is 17. We chat online. Cause that's all I do. Sit on my laptop and creep on peoples facebooks and try to live vicariously through them. I try to imagine myself being them. Pretty, talented, full of hopes and dreams, traveling. People actually look at them and think, "Hey, I could definitely be friends with her." But not me. I'm always the third wheel, the one that let herself go and couldn't get herself back. I'm always the one that people dread hanging out with cause I'm the tag-along. I'm never invited, just a friend of the invitee. My day consists of waking up at 7 a.m., taking my mom to work, coming home to a person who doesn't wake up until 3 p.m. or do anything all day, not that I'm any better. I usually do my homework before 10 a.m., because that's when it's due and I'm always doing everything last minute. Oh, and I take online classes cause I'm too embarrassed to actually go to school. Then I watch tv or sit my ass in front of the computer till forever and eat like I'm starved. Then I clean a little, or pretend to. Then I go pick my mom up from work and we eat dinner and then I talk to that kid online while I watch tv some more.
Please, don't get me wrong. I am so thankful for what I have in my life. My mom, my siblings, my nephews, all my family and the people that I love and their health and well-being and just everyone. I'm so thankful for everyone in my life and that they're all happy and healthy. I'm thankful that we have a home, and a car, and that my mom has a job. I feel terrible she has to work 45 hours a week to support us, but I'm a douche bag and a horrible daughter so I do nothing about it while my mom works her fucking ass off to put food on the table and pay the bills. I wish I was different so I could be motivated to make my mom's life better, at the least. I hate who I am. And I don't think I'll ever be happy.
I just turned 21, so now at least I can drink legally. Cheers to you guys, hope you have fun, love filled and happy days.
xoxo
